Thousands of parents this summer may be unaware of a very serious disorder that is running rampant in our nation. I’m not referring to whooping cough or the flu; I’m here to expose “Bleacher Butt Syndrome.”
This silent invader hits people of all ages and does not favor one gender over another; although parents seem to be most affected by this epidemic. Clinical studies have shown it to run in cycles, which are often seen during baseball and softball season and continue during football, basketball, soccer and volleyball.
How do you know if you are a victim of Bleacher Butt Syndrome? It’s simple. Diagnose yourself using this simple home test.
1. Do your kids think the Concession Stand is a restaurant?
2. Does your Family Meal consist of a microwave’d pretzel with nacho cheese, a bag of popcorn, Sour Straws or a Tootsie Pop more than twice a week?
3. Do your neck, back, bottom and entire skeletal structure crave traction or 800mg Motrin by halftime?
4. Can you sing the Star Spangled Banner backwards?
5. Do you have nightmares where people in black and white striped shirts take over the world?
6. Over the last two years have you upgraded your bleacher seats from hard wood to foam pad, to nylon sling back, to metal frame director chair with CD player, small frig, bleacher attachments and an anti-theft alarm?
7. When your son asks where his athletic supporter is, do you remind him that you are at every game?
8. Have you ever painted your body in school colors or practiced the victory dance? Have your children seen this? Have you sought therapy?
9. Have you dropped your keys, camera or bottle of Gatorade down the bleachers more than once? How many times have you done it on purpose just to irritate the whack-job sitting in front of you?
10. Does your car have a permanent “rotting socks” smell in the back seat?
11. Do you consider a bag of Skittles dessert?
12. Does the phrase “and that’s the final buzzer” mean anything to you?
I am sure you know what your answers mean. If you answered “yes” to more than one of these questions, you are indeed suffering from Bleacher Butt Syndrome. Don’t despair. There is hope. Parents around the world are seeking a cure. Hundreds are praying for the simple solution: Lazy Boy Bleachers!
Yes, we’ve put a man on the moon and we’ve seen the advent of the iPod, now sports lovers everywhere are coming together with hope that scientists working in laboratories throughout America will develop the impossible dream; something beyond the scope of man’s innovative comprehension – a comfortable bleacher.
For centuries parents have suffered in silence, but no longer. You can join other people, like yourself, who have been victims long enough and perhaps we can save the next generation from the inevitable syndrome. Together, we can make a difference and who knows, if enough fans unite – maybe cities, schools and universities will one day consider: padding.
Until then, may the bleacher rise up to meet you and may the wall be always at your back.
Beth
