Ever felt like about two decades behind? I discovered that I was, a few years ago. It was my jeans. You too may be suffering from Mom Jean Syndrome. If you are over 35 ... you could be wearing jeans from Dorksville and everyone knows it, but you!
“Mom Jeans” are out! The Levi 501’s ... the Calvin Klein jeans from the 70’s ... the ever present “fat jeans,” they are gone, old school, outdated, yesteryear. My kids pointed this out and the young people on our staff have confirmed it. Peg leg jeans have got to go. (Although, just hang on to them for a few years - they’ll be back!) The waistband up to your chest (aka: Erkle), it’s not in. It’s way out. Baggy, loose fitting jeans – so Jurassic. Pleated? Don’t even! (Want proof? Do a Google search for the “Mom Jeans” SNL video spoof.)
You can’t just go buy a pair of jeans these days … not until you have your bachelor’s degree in jeanology. Jeans are not just jeans anymore. No, now you have to choose from “fashion denim,” acid washed, dark wash, light wash, crisp, criss-cross finish, spandex, low rise, super-low rise, long, extra, extra long (if you have the legs in our family), skin tight, worn, boot cut, bell bottom, or ripped (that’ll cost you extra). You can pay upwards of $100 dollars for a basic pair of Silver jeans! If you want 7’s or anything design-erish it’s gonna cost you almost $200 for a pair of jeans! This is not silk or cashmere, we’re talking denim.
It’s a science. If you’re clueless like I was, the clerk at “The Buckle” can get you up to speed. She helped me! A few years ago, I finally took the plunge. I purged my closet using one simple test - if the waistband hit my armpits, they were gone. I began trying on jeans to find a new pair – modest, yet hip. At first, I felt like I feel when trying on a bathing suit in the dead of winter - trying to stuff 5 lbs of sausage into a 1 lb casing! Not pretty. What’s a girl supposed to do with all the extra stuff that hangs out? (I’ve noticed the teens don’t seem to care what’s hanging ... in fact, they are proud to show off what we used to call “fat”!)
After several body contortions and holding my breath for 45 seconds I managed to get the jeans zipped. I walked around the store to see how long I could actually suck in my stomach and still talk - not long. After four kids, it ain’t happening! I bought the jeans anyway and they changed my life ... my schedule and my diet. In order to wear a pair that looks half-way decent I had to go on a six month diet, buy a treadmill and see if our insurance would cover a personal trainer or tummy tuck. It didn’t. But, the jeans actually did inspire a new low-fat lifestyle!
Keeping up with today’s fashion ... it’s tough. Who knows what fashion faux pas will be targeted next? The Christmas sweater? The sweatshirt with puff paint appliqués? No, say it isn’t so!
Beth
