Can you hear me now? Parents and teenagers are asking each other that question. Raising teenagers – it’s a challenge and sometimes it feels like we are from two different planets, speaking two different languages. Making the connection with our kids is huge and it seems like the middle school and high school years are the most vulnerable time for the great disconnect.
How do you get your teen to open up and feel comfortable talking with you? What creates a sense of closeness, open communication and parent-teen dialogue? Is there a formula for talking to your teen? As a new school year launches it’s easy to go into autopilot as you chauffer kids, wash uniforms, pack lunches, sit in bleachers, attend recitals, fork over gas money, set curfews and never have any real heartfelt communication with your teens.
My mother was an expert at talking to teens. Back in the day, I recall that – my junior and senior high friends knew they could connect with my mom and many of them confided things with her that they did not share with their own moms. She knew the secret of speaking “teen.”
Now that we are parents of teens and pre-teens, I’m reflecting back and implementing some of the communication skills my mother modeled. We’ve made some mistakes along the way, overlooked some important “talk to me” signals from our teens, but we’ve also done a few things right and one thing we have enjoyed with our kids is open communication … so far, so good.
When In Doubt, Talk It Out
The silent treatment, ignoring issues, preaching/lecturing or yelling until you are blue in the face are not going to bond you and your teens.
The biggest secret I’ve learned about making the connection is simple: Ask questions! Asking our kids open ended questions about their lives, friends, challenges and joys helps us bond. Do you know what frustrates your teen? What do you know about their friends? Are you aware of their greatest fears and joys?
Be interested in their lives and show it by asking them questions about their thoughts, struggles, friends, values, favorite things, frustrations and the like. Then … listen! Don’t answer for them. Just let them talk. Sometimes all you’ll get is a sentence or two and other times the flood gates will open. Don’t freak out when they tell you things you didn’t want to hear. Empathize; share a few of your own struggles or thoughts at that same age. Don’t lecture, but when there’s a teachable moment share a nugget or two.
I asked my daughter when she was aa sophomore in high school, to give me her insights on teens and parents connecting and she didn’t hesitate. “Listen, don’t talk. That’s the main thing. If you listen and show interest in what we are saying without interrupting us right away, we are more willing to talk and share. Talk to us like a normal person, not like a therapist.” I think she hit it.
Stay tuned for more on this subject in my next blog.
Beth
