Sitting in the Kroger parking lot, the rain was beating on the windshield of the green Grand Torino when my mom announced, “Your dad and I are separating. It’s just not working out." I was shocked. A month later my dad moved out. I was ten at the time; three years later they divorced.
My three sisters and I lived with my mom and did the “dad visitation thing” every other weekend. It was a tough time. These days a lot of families have experienced the same thing.
Here’s the end of our story: God has restored our family! Over the course of about ten years, Jesus Christ came into each one of our hearts and lives and although both of my parents remarried other people, the Lord knit the hearts of our family back together. It took some time and a lot of forgiveness and mercy. It’s been a God-thing.
Divorce is painful no matter how you slice it. I don’t recall any books; reality TV shows, websites or other tools available to help us as kids back in the day. We didn’t know any other families that had been through a divorce. We had to blaze our own trail and I distinctly remember some of the strategic things my parents did to help us as kids as they went through a divorce. Perhaps these will help those of you facing life after divorce.
1. No Bad Mouthing: Bite your lip if you have to, but don’t bad mouth your child’s mom or dad. He or she is still their parent. My parents did not bad mouth one another in front of us kids. That was a good move. We weren’t forced to be in the middle choosing sides or running to the defense of one parent or another.
2. No Excuses: Nip the “I’m a victim, my parents are divorced ...” syndrome in the bud. My mom did not allow us to use the divorce as an excuse for bad grades, bad attitudes, bad actions or being a bad girl. She gave us the “one time” grace as she told my sisters and me, “You can use the divorce as an excuse for bad behavior ONE TIME.” I don’t recall that we ever used our one allowed excuse.
3. No One Is Exempt: Not only are you and your ex facing the harsh reality of a divorce, but so too are the kids. Don’t forget the kids have feelings. Fears. Questions. Be sure to ask them how they are doing. If they are mad – let them process through it. If they are confused – help them. They may look just fine on the “outside,” but check to be sure their “insides” are doing OK.
4. No Trading Places: If you are the parent, be the parent! Don’t put your kids in the unfair position of being your tower of strength. Don’t fall to pieces in front of them. You need to be their rock of Gibraltar! If you need a shoulder to cry on – call your best friend – better yet, call on God.
5. No Going Alone: You can’t do this alone. It’s too much. Find a divorce recovery group to plug into. Reconnect with friends, get back in the game. Get back to church while you’re at it and take your kids! You need the love and support of a larger community of faith. Cry out to Jesus. He’s a Friend that sticks closer than a brother.
Beth
